Being notoriously bothered with a condition in my forehead, I had to break barriers with my own fear. No amount of prayers work in conditions when you’re left at the gamble of faith in life and the stinging light of the surgeon operating you from top. It’s an absolute helpless state that you all must have experienced at some point – the time when the gynaecologists operated you in labour, or when they operated you in stages of cancer or other forms of complex conditions under a light and scalpel. Anything can happen at any point, and your entire existence is blown away, leaving your naked self lying hapless under the silhouette of a blue Johnny gown. Statistically, it’s a 50-50 take on life and you cannot deny it. I am trying to stress on the line of sensitivity for anyone in the OT.  

The procedure lasted for a good hour, with a fair complication as the tumour had grown and branched out below the tough temporalis muscle. Partially under the hypnosis of a local anaesthesia, I felt the pinch and a robust part of the pain throughout the operating. I was at the mercy of everyone. Everybody in that room had to be at their best, with their volatile emotions intact, and not in a lacklustre state. The passion in that room had to outgrow my own desire to live and for me to walk out of the room with my body, mind and spirit intact. It’d be wrong of me to say that I didn’t foresee my exit strategy. One tiny mistake, and my annual Netflix subscription would go in vain, my LinkedIn account would remain blocked, my brother left in an unpardonable state of mind towards me and my wife and parents, panicking shyly.

Being in this vulnerable position, is exactly why I have always procrastinated, initially when the tumour laid dormant inside of me, sniggering and working its hands on a nastier plot. Conquering the callous whispers of fear was a battle within my bicameral mind and I fought it. For 2 full years. These fears regularly manifested into several negative emotions, scrambling me to into living under the boon of borrowed time. To make matters worse, the surgery was to cost a fat fortune.

I did not have the money then. Or even now.

The big question is: How did it all work out?

I have been on the path of seeking for quite some time but in my own way. Reading ancient texts/scripts, understanding their underlying letters and then putting the vowels of my discriminatory life into it. All coming down to this beautiful narrative of energy transmutation and sublimation through deep and fire-breathing. There are a number of ways to do it, which can be detailed later or on asking.

This old wisdom has helped me to walk-through deceit, courageously professed every day, if you could only see through it. It takes real courage to see it and more not to react, hence being calm and collected is a must have pre-requisite. Moving overseas in my prime teen had a certain effect in me. I was always able to make a decision, instinctively and not rationally. Money was never a decision maker for me, so I have almost always put myself in dreadful situations. Through all this, I realised – the nature of Free Will. And it is this boundless willpower that allowed me to take chances one after and the other. Often this got diluted, under silly guidance by extortionists here in India, but I was somehow put right back up. This is when I realised – the nature of Faith in Free Will. And now the waters of this faith was being tested.

I was able to create a very powerful thought in my mind that this was just an illusion but an illusion to live with. So I couldn’t mess with it at this stage with limited awareness. Every day as I got up, I started telling myself beautiful stories about all that is limitless and achievable, of course keeping myself in absolute solitary – No human contact for 3 wild months, just the four walls and an eye-to-eye with my insanity. Situations manifested by itself and I was able to axe that which tortured the Nature of Faith in Free Will – The Abyss of Fear. Some liberals also do call it – Self Doubt. And just like that I was able to go through the surgery with everyone in full swing as they ably diffused an unforeseen complication.

As the numbness of the anaesthesia started kicking in hummingly, the OT got illuminated by the recital of the Devi Stuthi, the same that I listen to everyday. How did the Head Surgeon know? Well, this is a question answered beautifully in my mind. And I smiled, thoroughly enjoying it behind the duckback cloth blocking my eyes and face.

Somehow everything worked out seamlessly, and my only exit strategy resulted in me paying a quarter of that fat fortune.

To sum it up, Things happen because things happen.

The essence of my weirdly satisfying experience is elegantly captured in the words of Emma Goldman – “The most unpardonable sin in society is independence of thought.”

So be brave and choose wisely.